Today, as I was driving home from the Library, a sign on a church caught my eye. It said very simply, "Tears...a language God understands."
A confirmation of sorts to my previous post. I am thankful today, that He understands.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
A little bit of ugly....
Yesterday, while riding with a friend to a meeting, I confessed something that I have never shared with anyone. In fact, I was shocked at what was coming from my mouth, like it was the very first time that I had heard it myself..as I was saying it!
Right now, I am going to thank God for that friend because she didn't gasp, or rebuke me, or even crash her car out of sheer shock and disappointment. Nope, she grinned and said that she understood, and that God did too. That it was gonna work out. Huh?!?!?
A little background on circumstances surrounding said confession: I have been made aware of an issue in my life that is not pleasing to the Lord.
****A SHORT DISCLAIMER**** I know a lot of my friends read this blog, so I will be as transparent as I can be. I am sorry in advance if this hurts anyone, that is not my intention. What the Lord revealed to me is MY ISSUE, not of those involved.
OK, here it goes. For the past six months or so, I have been a part of a ministry and was welcomed with wide open arms, loved and promoted. I was happy every moment, like I was fulfilled in those relationships. I was a part of the "group." Again, nothing that was done from these dear saints was wrong. I felt accepted. Wanted. Validated. Are you getting the picture here? I felt on top of the world because PEOPLE wanted me to be around. They wanted me to be a part of their "group." I fed off this. One thing that I have learned from the past is that God is a jealous God, and He will not tolerate idolatry in ANY form for very long. So, the Lord allowed some circumstances in my life to shake those idols in my life. All of a sudden I felt excluded, not a part of the group. All of a sudden, I felt like the outsider. And it hurt!!! My, did I get offended. Fortunately, the Lord has taught me to examine myself and my motives before laying out those whom have supposedly wounded me. It is usually something in me that needs to change, not those whom have hurt me.
I have been accused of being destructive to the ministry and had to face that accuser in a very painful and humbling meeting, and I seem to be failing at everything that I have been doing. I have felt that I have disappointed those in leadership. And now am excluded from the very ones who brought me validation. The underlying issue is not those around me. It is that I FED off their acceptance. It fed that little ugly place in me that craves approval from man. This place has to die before I can do anything. Those involved probably have no idea how the Lord is using them to refine me. I hope that is the case. I desperately don't want anyone to be affected negatively by my "junk." Everything in me screams "run!" Start over someplace else. But I know that isn't going to happen. I have never run, thankfully the Lord won't allow it.
So what was my confession to my friend? My confession was that I have been avoiding God. That we are at present having SERIOUS intimacy issues. By we, of course I mean me. He is there, waiting. I can feel His breath on the back of my neck, on my cheek. Waiting patiently for me to turn this all over to Him. So HE can heal my heart and the places that crave that human validation. He has his finger on this part of my heart. And once He touches it, it is never the same.
Even as I type this, weeping, the Lord is showing me that my tears are a surrender of sorts, that He is catching every tear. I know deep in my heart that He loves me, and that I need Him desperately right now. He has granted me the favor of His Face. Of His very presence.
I am so thankful that He knows me; knows the very depths of my heart and loves me still. I am gonna be OK. This is all gonna work out. And I will never be the same.
Please pray.
I love you all.
Right now, I am going to thank God for that friend because she didn't gasp, or rebuke me, or even crash her car out of sheer shock and disappointment. Nope, she grinned and said that she understood, and that God did too. That it was gonna work out. Huh?!?!?
A little background on circumstances surrounding said confession: I have been made aware of an issue in my life that is not pleasing to the Lord.
****A SHORT DISCLAIMER**** I know a lot of my friends read this blog, so I will be as transparent as I can be. I am sorry in advance if this hurts anyone, that is not my intention. What the Lord revealed to me is MY ISSUE, not of those involved.
OK, here it goes. For the past six months or so, I have been a part of a ministry and was welcomed with wide open arms, loved and promoted. I was happy every moment, like I was fulfilled in those relationships. I was a part of the "group." Again, nothing that was done from these dear saints was wrong. I felt accepted. Wanted. Validated. Are you getting the picture here? I felt on top of the world because PEOPLE wanted me to be around. They wanted me to be a part of their "group." I fed off this. One thing that I have learned from the past is that God is a jealous God, and He will not tolerate idolatry in ANY form for very long. So, the Lord allowed some circumstances in my life to shake those idols in my life. All of a sudden I felt excluded, not a part of the group. All of a sudden, I felt like the outsider. And it hurt!!! My, did I get offended. Fortunately, the Lord has taught me to examine myself and my motives before laying out those whom have supposedly wounded me. It is usually something in me that needs to change, not those whom have hurt me.
I have been accused of being destructive to the ministry and had to face that accuser in a very painful and humbling meeting, and I seem to be failing at everything that I have been doing. I have felt that I have disappointed those in leadership. And now am excluded from the very ones who brought me validation. The underlying issue is not those around me. It is that I FED off their acceptance. It fed that little ugly place in me that craves approval from man. This place has to die before I can do anything. Those involved probably have no idea how the Lord is using them to refine me. I hope that is the case. I desperately don't want anyone to be affected negatively by my "junk." Everything in me screams "run!" Start over someplace else. But I know that isn't going to happen. I have never run, thankfully the Lord won't allow it.
So what was my confession to my friend? My confession was that I have been avoiding God. That we are at present having SERIOUS intimacy issues. By we, of course I mean me. He is there, waiting. I can feel His breath on the back of my neck, on my cheek. Waiting patiently for me to turn this all over to Him. So HE can heal my heart and the places that crave that human validation. He has his finger on this part of my heart. And once He touches it, it is never the same.
Even as I type this, weeping, the Lord is showing me that my tears are a surrender of sorts, that He is catching every tear. I know deep in my heart that He loves me, and that I need Him desperately right now. He has granted me the favor of His Face. Of His very presence.
I am so thankful that He knows me; knows the very depths of my heart and loves me still. I am gonna be OK. This is all gonna work out. And I will never be the same.
Please pray.
I love you all.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
He's making something so beautiful....
Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart, breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace…
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so beautiful, beautiful
Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down, I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face…
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so beautiful, beautiful
I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so beautiful, beautiful
....Beautiful, beautiful by Francesca Battistelli
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart, breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace…
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so beautiful, beautiful
Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down, I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face…
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so beautiful, beautiful
I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so beautiful, beautiful
....Beautiful, beautiful by Francesca Battistelli
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Just an update.....
Today I have been cleaning my bedroom, and going through some boxes that I have had since I moved in. Oy, the dust!!! As I have been filling trash bags of junk, I have been thinking about what has transpired in mine and Steve's lives since we moved to Florida.
I found a bag of Steve's congratulatory graduation cards and I remember fondly his graduation party in Ohio and all the fun we had with old friends and family. Oddly enough, coming back was full of the realization that Grove City wasn't our home anymore. That was somewhat painful to realize, that the place where we both grew up and lived for most of our lives wasn't home any longer.
It has been a little over a year since that trip and both Steve and I have changed so much. Steve is in college now, a sophomore at Lee University. The change in him has been amazing. He isn't my little boy anymore, but a man finding his way and preparing for the future God has for him. He began as a freshman studying Missions, and this summer, while driving home from an evening with friends, heard very clearly the call to become a pastor. My totally freaked out son came straight to my bedroom, where I was sleeping, to ask me to pray as he submitted his will to the Lord.
Since that prayer, God has graciously confirmed His call on Steve, from opportunities to minister as a part of a worship band all over Tampa, to ministering to a tow-truck driver and speaking truth into his life, to getting a call from his old Resident Director asking him if he was interested in a Resident Chaplain position for one of the Dorms at Lee. A position that he did get hired for. He also continues to lead worship at various events at the University. He is being stretched and prepared. And this mother is grateful.
Over the past two years, I have been stretched to let go of small, ineffective thinking and actions that keep God in a nice tidy box. I have been challenged to look at and view people differently, and to pray differently. My heart has been turned inside out, and I will never be the same. The four walls of the church building are no longer my home; but the world outside with all the hurting people and the ones who need truth. Please do not misunderstand, I have not forsaken the assembly of believer's, learning about the word from my pastor, and actively serving where the Lord has planted me. But the church is not my focus, but the people who are created in the very image and likeness of the Lord. I am actively asking to be transformed so that Heaven invades everywhere the Lord takes me, through me.
So I am out of the box, where it can be terrifying, and where I can get wounded. But there is no greater place of freedom to be. So I am trusting that my Lord will work out all things and provide all that I need. He has never let me down.
I am transitioning from raising my son to walking in what the Lord has called me as an individual to walk in. I am still unemployed, but have an interview tomorrow. I also am in school full-time. I am still dreaming of being a published author, and I know my English degree will definitely improve my writing skills. I have kicked around the idea of becoming a teacher, somewhere in the world. So we will see.
That is all for now. Not sure who really reads this anymore, so feel free to leave a comment or two. It would be great to hear from you :)
I found a bag of Steve's congratulatory graduation cards and I remember fondly his graduation party in Ohio and all the fun we had with old friends and family. Oddly enough, coming back was full of the realization that Grove City wasn't our home anymore. That was somewhat painful to realize, that the place where we both grew up and lived for most of our lives wasn't home any longer.
It has been a little over a year since that trip and both Steve and I have changed so much. Steve is in college now, a sophomore at Lee University. The change in him has been amazing. He isn't my little boy anymore, but a man finding his way and preparing for the future God has for him. He began as a freshman studying Missions, and this summer, while driving home from an evening with friends, heard very clearly the call to become a pastor. My totally freaked out son came straight to my bedroom, where I was sleeping, to ask me to pray as he submitted his will to the Lord.
Since that prayer, God has graciously confirmed His call on Steve, from opportunities to minister as a part of a worship band all over Tampa, to ministering to a tow-truck driver and speaking truth into his life, to getting a call from his old Resident Director asking him if he was interested in a Resident Chaplain position for one of the Dorms at Lee. A position that he did get hired for. He also continues to lead worship at various events at the University. He is being stretched and prepared. And this mother is grateful.
Over the past two years, I have been stretched to let go of small, ineffective thinking and actions that keep God in a nice tidy box. I have been challenged to look at and view people differently, and to pray differently. My heart has been turned inside out, and I will never be the same. The four walls of the church building are no longer my home; but the world outside with all the hurting people and the ones who need truth. Please do not misunderstand, I have not forsaken the assembly of believer's, learning about the word from my pastor, and actively serving where the Lord has planted me. But the church is not my focus, but the people who are created in the very image and likeness of the Lord. I am actively asking to be transformed so that Heaven invades everywhere the Lord takes me, through me.
So I am out of the box, where it can be terrifying, and where I can get wounded. But there is no greater place of freedom to be. So I am trusting that my Lord will work out all things and provide all that I need. He has never let me down.
I am transitioning from raising my son to walking in what the Lord has called me as an individual to walk in. I am still unemployed, but have an interview tomorrow. I also am in school full-time. I am still dreaming of being a published author, and I know my English degree will definitely improve my writing skills. I have kicked around the idea of becoming a teacher, somewhere in the world. So we will see.
That is all for now. Not sure who really reads this anymore, so feel free to leave a comment or two. It would be great to hear from you :)
Monday, August 16, 2010
The Gate of the Year
Minnie Louise Haskins, 1908
I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year,
"Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown."
And he replied, "Go into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God.
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way!"
So I went forth and finding the Hand of God
Trod gladly into the night.
He led me towards the hills
And the breaking of day in the lone east.
So heart be still!
What need our human life to know
If God hath comprehension?
In all the dizzy strife of things
Both high and low,
God hideth his intention.
Minnie Louise Haskins, 1908
I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year,
"Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown."
And he replied, "Go into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God.
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way!"
So I went forth and finding the Hand of God
Trod gladly into the night.
He led me towards the hills
And the breaking of day in the lone east.
So heart be still!
What need our human life to know
If God hath comprehension?
In all the dizzy strife of things
Both high and low,
God hideth his intention.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Dreams.....
This morning I woke up with a song on my heart. Well, actually, what happened was it came to me in a dream:
I was with a group of people - some friends, some family members. And in this dream it was very evident that I had been excluded from something. So I wandered around the situation, quite hurt and rejected.
My son came in, and with him some friends. They began to pray, not for me...just a gathering to pray and worship the Lord. In my brokeness, I laid down on the floor on my face and cried out to God because what I was carrying was too heavy a burden for me, and I needed Him.
As I felt the presence of the Lord, someone laid their hands on the bottoms of my feet and began to pray for me. As they did this, the song, "Lead me to the Cross" came to mind. Then I woke up.
What I feel like the Lord is showing me through this (and I am leaving this to the Lord to bring further revelation still), is that I am not rejected. Man (friends, loved ones, etc.) will reject me, some intentionally, some not; it's gonna happen. BUT through the Cross...the one where Jesus gave up His life, for me and you, I am completely accepted, loved and redeemed. It was a completed work what He did on that Cross.
Interestingly, as I type this, the Lord showed me that in my dream, as I "wandered around the situation," this was when I mull it over and over in my mind, trying to figure out why this person or that person did what they did or said what they did. As I do that, I am open wide for those hurt feelings and rejection to turn into anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, malice, etc., etc.....all those feelings that are in direct opposition to how God calls us walk and hinders us from loving with His heart. Wow.
I am thankful the Lord rules and reigns over my dreams. That even when I get too busy to stop and listen, in His mercy He instructs and rebukes me in my dreams. He really loves me. So today, I remove from my mind the tape of rejections call, and instead go to the Cross, where I lay myself down, rid me of myself, knowing that I belong to Him.
Lead me to the Cross (Hillsong United)
Savior I come
Quiet my soul
Remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross
You were as I
Tempted and tried
You are
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen
To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart
I was with a group of people - some friends, some family members. And in this dream it was very evident that I had been excluded from something. So I wandered around the situation, quite hurt and rejected.
My son came in, and with him some friends. They began to pray, not for me...just a gathering to pray and worship the Lord. In my brokeness, I laid down on the floor on my face and cried out to God because what I was carrying was too heavy a burden for me, and I needed Him.
As I felt the presence of the Lord, someone laid their hands on the bottoms of my feet and began to pray for me. As they did this, the song, "Lead me to the Cross" came to mind. Then I woke up.
What I feel like the Lord is showing me through this (and I am leaving this to the Lord to bring further revelation still), is that I am not rejected. Man (friends, loved ones, etc.) will reject me, some intentionally, some not; it's gonna happen. BUT through the Cross...the one where Jesus gave up His life, for me and you, I am completely accepted, loved and redeemed. It was a completed work what He did on that Cross.
Interestingly, as I type this, the Lord showed me that in my dream, as I "wandered around the situation," this was when I mull it over and over in my mind, trying to figure out why this person or that person did what they did or said what they did. As I do that, I am open wide for those hurt feelings and rejection to turn into anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, malice, etc., etc.....all those feelings that are in direct opposition to how God calls us walk and hinders us from loving with His heart. Wow.
I am thankful the Lord rules and reigns over my dreams. That even when I get too busy to stop and listen, in His mercy He instructs and rebukes me in my dreams. He really loves me. So today, I remove from my mind the tape of rejections call, and instead go to the Cross, where I lay myself down, rid me of myself, knowing that I belong to Him.
Lead me to the Cross (Hillsong United)
Savior I come
Quiet my soul
Remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost
Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross
You were as I
Tempted and tried
You are
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen
To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart
Monday, May 3, 2010
Sigh.....
Am wrestling with something today. What comes to mind is that I am too busy to wrestle with this today. BUT. I can't put it off. If I do, my flesh will rise up and make something of this situation that it's not.
I know what I am wrestling with. I want to be angry. I want to defend myself. I want to be upset and tell everyone of the injustice of it all. I want people to side with me, because if they side with me, that means they love me and accept me, right? I want to rise to the top of this a victor. All because I am RIGHT. Right?
There. Said it all. Ugly stuff. My flesh is screaming right about now. Because what is in me is stronger than the ugly flesh that is crying out. My spirit reminds me of Jesus. He was murdered. He was spat upon, beaten within an inch of His life and had His flesh torn off Him because of a bunch of offended people. But He didn't defend Himself. He didn't enlist in the help of the Heavenly Host. He took it because it was the Will of His Father. He did it for me. And you.
Truth is, it doesn't even matter what happened. What matters is my response to what happened. Another truth; I do not have to be validated by being right. I am validated by Christ crucified. No matter if I am right, do my actions point people to Jesus? Do others feel loved and accepted by my actions or do they feel judged and somehow inadequate? Oh, I know there will be those beloved people who will be offended with me just because I breath, but how am I showing them the love of Jesus, the Hope that resides within me? What is my response going to be to them?
My beautiful Lord reminded me of this scripture as I cried out to Him:
Romans 12:3, and 9-21
3 For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith.
9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. 10 Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; 11 not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; 12 rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; 13 distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. 16 Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion.
17 Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. 18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,”[a] says the Lord. 20 Therefore if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”[b] 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
My bible says that when we avenge ourselves, we are trying to take God's place. I know that there is no room for me on the Throne of the Lord. My prayer today is that I will live this scripture. Lord knows I will need His help in this. But I am assured that He will indeed help me. He loves me too much not to. More of You, Lord and less of me.
I know what I am wrestling with. I want to be angry. I want to defend myself. I want to be upset and tell everyone of the injustice of it all. I want people to side with me, because if they side with me, that means they love me and accept me, right? I want to rise to the top of this a victor. All because I am RIGHT. Right?
There. Said it all. Ugly stuff. My flesh is screaming right about now. Because what is in me is stronger than the ugly flesh that is crying out. My spirit reminds me of Jesus. He was murdered. He was spat upon, beaten within an inch of His life and had His flesh torn off Him because of a bunch of offended people. But He didn't defend Himself. He didn't enlist in the help of the Heavenly Host. He took it because it was the Will of His Father. He did it for me. And you.
Truth is, it doesn't even matter what happened. What matters is my response to what happened. Another truth; I do not have to be validated by being right. I am validated by Christ crucified. No matter if I am right, do my actions point people to Jesus? Do others feel loved and accepted by my actions or do they feel judged and somehow inadequate? Oh, I know there will be those beloved people who will be offended with me just because I breath, but how am I showing them the love of Jesus, the Hope that resides within me? What is my response going to be to them?
My beautiful Lord reminded me of this scripture as I cried out to Him:
Romans 12:3, and 9-21
3 For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith.
9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. 10 Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; 11 not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; 12 rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; 13 distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. 16 Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion.
17 Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. 18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,”[a] says the Lord. 20 Therefore if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”[b] 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
My bible says that when we avenge ourselves, we are trying to take God's place. I know that there is no room for me on the Throne of the Lord. My prayer today is that I will live this scripture. Lord knows I will need His help in this. But I am assured that He will indeed help me. He loves me too much not to. More of You, Lord and less of me.
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