Where am I?

Today started out fine, met Lea Ann for breakfast. Had a great conversation with her. Had plans to go downtown Tampa for the Gasperella parade, invasion of pirates, and fireworks, but for whatever reason, my breakfast didn't sit well with me....spent most of the day on the couch trying not to throw up.

Washed and ironed my fabric for the new quilt I am starting. It is a full sized quilt this time so it will be quite an undertaking. Pushing fear aside and doing it. It is my "promise quilt". Top secret till I am done.

So it has been a quiet day today. Been thinking as I have been sitting here; where am I? Where am I going? Why is it that I never feel like I fit in? Guess I am not good at just going through the motions. Oh, I try to fit in; I am a pretty social person. Can play a mean game of Cranium. But who here can I really talk to? That will love me even if they don't understand where I am right now? If I shared what was on my heart, I am sure no one here would ever ask me how I am again. Not that anyone really asks me how I am. And is genuinely interested in how I really am. Then again, there is one person how does ask me how I am, and holds me accountable. Maybe I am blessed by having that one person. I know I am; I love her dearly. The one person who actually knows me here. In this place.

I wouldn't call this place my pity party. I understand I am where I am because the Lord put me here. I guess I am a tad bit lonely for genuine fellowship. I think the people I have met here are wonderful. Don't get me wrong. I am thankful for the people I have come in contact with. I guess I just miss that fellowship in the trenches....arm in arm on the battlefield, and in peace time with the loved ones who "get me".

So for now, I will focus on pressing into the One who is always with me. That is more than enough for me. I fit into Him. That is all that matters. Truly.

This New Year.......

Happy New Year!

This morning I have been mulling over New Year's past....and remembered the great excitement that I would feel over the newness of it all. Some experience this at springtime, or at other notable events in their lives.

Most of the New Year's that I remember, I had a great sense of wonderful expectation of all the terrific things that were going to happen. Make me an eternal optimist? I have often had trouble with that label. I have found that when it is spoken, it was intended to somehow demean the generous outlook I had for the future; that I was somehow seen as slightly ignorant of the hard realities going on around me. Being labeled an optimist was like a put-down. I still don't like that word!

This year I have committed to the Lord to write every day. Whether the wonderful fictional story that is swimming around in my thoughts just waiting to come out, or the musings that even I don't understand and post here on my blog; I am committed to getting it out everyday. This being said, if anyone is still reading this, I cannot promise what you will read will be pretty, but it will be honest.

Okay, so back to my thoughts about this new year. This year is different. I don't have the same sense of wonderment about it all. This was on my heart as I prayed this morning. I was led to First Peter, the entire book. I would be lying if I denied that a sense of dread initially took over my heart; but thankfully it didn't stay there. First Peter is all about suffering, and how we as Christians are to respond. In my bible it says:

"Persecution can cause either growth or bitterness in the Christian life. Response determines the result. In writing to Jewish believers, Peter encourages them to conduct themselves courageously for the Person and program of Christ. Both their character and conduct must be above reproach. Having been born again to a living hope, they are to imitate the Holy One who has called them. The fruit of that character will be conduct rooted in submission: citizens to government, servants to masters, wives to husbands, husbands to wives, and Christians to one another. Only after submission is fully understood does Peter deal with the difficult area of suffering. The Christians are not to think it "strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you" (4:12), but are to rejoice as partakers of the suffering of Christ. That response to life is truly the climax of one's submission to the good hand of God."

Funny, this book in the bible is very dog-eared from my reading, and I have almost the entire book underlined with various notes. I often date my notes and it is like a timeline of my walk with the Lord. I have been this way before, and the words have been like a healing balm to my soul. Questions swarm my mind, like, "am I going to suffer this year?" Or, "what about my heart's desire, Lord?" Or even, "Lord, I thought I had this suffering thing down." Truth is, my character still needs refining, and I am thankful that I have the promise in this word that, "But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you."

There is much for me to learn this year, and I praise my Lord that He led me to such a wonderful place in His Word to teach me. So while I may not be giddy with the excitement of this New Year, I am hopeful that His Will is made manifest in my life this year. That my responses to whatever comes my way will glorify Him.

I am His.