Yesterday, while riding with a friend to a meeting, I confessed something that I have never shared with anyone. In fact, I was shocked at what was coming from my mouth, like it was the very first time that I had heard it myself..as I was saying it!
Right now, I am going to thank God for that friend because she didn't gasp, or rebuke me, or even crash her car out of sheer shock and disappointment. Nope, she grinned and said that she understood, and that God did too. That it was gonna work out. Huh?!?!?
A little background on circumstances surrounding said confession: I have been made aware of an issue in my life that is not pleasing to the Lord.
****A SHORT DISCLAIMER**** I know a lot of my friends read this blog, so I will be as transparent as I can be. I am sorry in advance if this hurts anyone, that is not my intention. What the Lord revealed to me is MY ISSUE, not of those involved.
OK, here it goes. For the past six months or so, I have been a part of a ministry and was welcomed with wide open arms, loved and promoted. I was happy every moment, like I was fulfilled in those relationships. I was a part of the "group." Again, nothing that was done from these dear saints was wrong. I felt accepted. Wanted. Validated. Are you getting the picture here? I felt on top of the world because PEOPLE wanted me to be around. They wanted me to be a part of their "group." I fed off this. One thing that I have learned from the past is that God is a jealous God, and He will not tolerate idolatry in ANY form for very long. So, the Lord allowed some circumstances in my life to shake those idols in my life. All of a sudden I felt excluded, not a part of the group. All of a sudden, I felt like the outsider. And it hurt!!! My, did I get offended. Fortunately, the Lord has taught me to examine myself and my motives before laying out those whom have supposedly wounded me. It is usually something in me that needs to change, not those whom have hurt me.
I have been accused of being destructive to the ministry and had to face that accuser in a very painful and humbling meeting, and I seem to be failing at everything that I have been doing. I have felt that I have disappointed those in leadership. And now am excluded from the very ones who brought me validation. The underlying issue is not those around me. It is that I FED off their acceptance. It fed that little ugly place in me that craves approval from man. This place has to die before I can do anything. Those involved probably have no idea how the Lord is using them to refine me. I hope that is the case. I desperately don't want anyone to be affected negatively by my "junk." Everything in me screams "run!" Start over someplace else. But I know that isn't going to happen. I have never run, thankfully the Lord won't allow it.
So what was my confession to my friend? My confession was that I have been avoiding God. That we are at present having SERIOUS intimacy issues. By we, of course I mean me. He is there, waiting. I can feel His breath on the back of my neck, on my cheek. Waiting patiently for me to turn this all over to Him. So HE can heal my heart and the places that crave that human validation. He has his finger on this part of my heart. And once He touches it, it is never the same.
Even as I type this, weeping, the Lord is showing me that my tears are a surrender of sorts, that He is catching every tear. I know deep in my heart that He loves me, and that I need Him desperately right now. He has granted me the favor of His Face. Of His very presence.
I am so thankful that He knows me; knows the very depths of my heart and loves me still. I am gonna be OK. This is all gonna work out. And I will never be the same.
Please pray.
I love you all.
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