Just a ramble...

So today while watching the news, I was stunned to watch a piece about a young man (middle school age I think) that had gotten into some kind of trouble at school and his parents made him stand at a busy intersection for two hours with a sign stating how he didn't know how to behave in school and that if he kept it up, when he was older he would have to work hard at a low paying job.

OK. First of all, when is it EVER right to humiliate your child in any way shape or form in public like that? Don't get me wrong, I am all up for punishment (spare the rod, spoil the child), but to shame them in that fashion I cannot agree with. Secondly, this story is being shown all across the country - I saw it on CNN and on a local news station within 10 minutes of each other. This young man was crying on national tv. All I could do was cry for him and the humiliation he faced then, and for the humiliation that would surely be coming from his peers.

The Bible talks about disciplining our children with love. This, I feel, is something that I failed miserably at with my own son. However, I never humiliated him in front of others for the sake of a lesson learned.

This makes me quite sad today.

Instead of.....

Today, I choose....

God's acceptance over man's rejection
God's sovereign peace over present circumstances
Obedience over pain
God's truth over satan's lies

I choose to be the woman of God that I am called to be. No one will hold me back from this. I do not stand alone. My Lord is with me where ever I go!

A confirmation of sorts....

Today, as I was driving home from the Library, a sign on a church caught my eye. It said very simply, "Tears...a language God understands."

A confirmation of sorts to my previous post. I am thankful today, that He understands.

A little bit of ugly....

Yesterday, while riding with a friend to a meeting, I confessed something that I have never shared with anyone. In fact, I was shocked at what was coming from my mouth, like it was the very first time that I had heard it myself..as I was saying it!

Right now, I am going to thank God for that friend because she didn't gasp, or rebuke me, or even crash her car out of sheer shock and disappointment. Nope, she grinned and said that she understood, and that God did too. That it was gonna work out. Huh?!?!?

A little background on circumstances surrounding said confession: I have been made aware of an issue in my life that is not pleasing to the Lord.

****A SHORT DISCLAIMER**** I know a lot of my friends read this blog, so I will be as transparent as I can be. I am sorry in advance if this hurts anyone, that is not my intention. What the Lord revealed to me is MY ISSUE, not of those involved.

OK, here it goes. For the past six months or so, I have been a part of a ministry and was welcomed with wide open arms, loved and promoted. I was happy every moment, like I was fulfilled in those relationships. I was a part of the "group." Again, nothing that was done from these dear saints was wrong. I felt accepted. Wanted. Validated. Are you getting the picture here? I felt on top of the world because PEOPLE wanted me to be around. They wanted me to be a part of their "group." I fed off this. One thing that I have learned from the past is that God is a jealous God, and He will not tolerate idolatry in ANY form for very long. So, the Lord allowed some circumstances in my life to shake those idols in my life. All of a sudden I felt excluded, not a part of the group. All of a sudden, I felt like the outsider. And it hurt!!! My, did I get offended. Fortunately, the Lord has taught me to examine myself and my motives before laying out those whom have supposedly wounded me. It is usually something in me that needs to change, not those whom have hurt me.

I have been accused of being destructive to the ministry and had to face that accuser in a very painful and humbling meeting, and I seem to be failing at everything that I have been doing. I have felt that I have disappointed those in leadership. And now am excluded from the very ones who brought me validation. The underlying issue is not those around me. It is that I FED off their acceptance. It fed that little ugly place in me that craves approval from man. This place has to die before I can do anything. Those involved probably have no idea how the Lord is using them to refine me. I hope that is the case. I desperately don't want anyone to be affected negatively by my "junk." Everything in me screams "run!" Start over someplace else. But I know that isn't going to happen. I have never run, thankfully the Lord won't allow it.

So what was my confession to my friend? My confession was that I have been avoiding God. That we are at present having SERIOUS intimacy issues. By we, of course I mean me. He is there, waiting. I can feel His breath on the back of my neck, on my cheek. Waiting patiently for me to turn this all over to Him. So HE can heal my heart and the places that crave that human validation. He has his finger on this part of my heart. And once He touches it, it is never the same.

Even as I type this, weeping, the Lord is showing me that my tears are a surrender of sorts, that He is catching every tear. I know deep in my heart that He loves me, and that I need Him desperately right now. He has granted me the favor of His Face. Of His very presence.

I am so thankful that He knows me; knows the very depths of my heart and loves me still. I am gonna be OK. This is all gonna work out. And I will never be the same.

Please pray.

I love you all.

He's making something so beautiful....

Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart, breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace…

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so beautiful, beautiful

Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down, I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face…

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so beautiful, beautiful

I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace

Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so beautiful, beautiful

....Beautiful, beautiful by Francesca Battistelli

Just an update.....

Today I have been cleaning my bedroom, and going through some boxes that I have had since I moved in. Oy, the dust!!! As I have been filling trash bags of junk, I have been thinking about what has transpired in mine and Steve's lives since we moved to Florida.

I found a bag of Steve's congratulatory graduation cards and I remember fondly his graduation party in Ohio and all the fun we had with old friends and family. Oddly enough, coming back was full of the realization that Grove City wasn't our home anymore. That was somewhat painful to realize, that the place where we both grew up and lived for most of our lives wasn't home any longer.

It has been a little over a year since that trip and both Steve and I have changed so much. Steve is in college now, a sophomore at Lee University. The change in him has been amazing. He isn't my little boy anymore, but a man finding his way and preparing for the future God has for him. He began as a freshman studying Missions, and this summer, while driving home from an evening with friends, heard very clearly the call to become a pastor. My totally freaked out son came straight to my bedroom, where I was sleeping, to ask me to pray as he submitted his will to the Lord.


Since that prayer, God has graciously confirmed His call on Steve, from opportunities to minister as a part of a worship band all over Tampa, to ministering to a tow-truck driver and speaking truth into his life, to getting a call from his old Resident Director asking him if he was interested in a Resident Chaplain position for one of the Dorms at Lee. A position that he did get hired for. He also continues to lead worship at various events at the University. He is being stretched and prepared. And this mother is grateful.

Over the past two years, I have been stretched to let go of small, ineffective thinking and actions that keep God in a nice tidy box. I have been challenged to look at and view people differently, and to pray differently. My heart has been turned inside out, and I will never be the same. The four walls of the church building are no longer my home; but the world outside with all the hurting people and the ones who need truth. Please do not misunderstand, I have not forsaken the assembly of believer's, learning about the word from my pastor, and actively serving where the Lord has planted me. But the church is not my focus, but the people who are created in the very image and likeness of the Lord. I am actively asking to be transformed so that Heaven invades everywhere the Lord takes me, through me.



So I am out of the box, where it can be terrifying, and where I can get wounded. But there is no greater place of freedom to be. So I am trusting that my Lord will work out all things and provide all that I need. He has never let me down.

I am transitioning from raising my son to walking in what the Lord has called me as an individual to walk in. I am still unemployed, but have an interview tomorrow. I also am in school full-time. I am still dreaming of being a published author, and I know my English degree will definitely improve my writing skills. I have kicked around the idea of becoming a teacher, somewhere in the world. So we will see.

That is all for now. Not sure who really reads this anymore, so feel free to leave a comment or two. It would be great to hear from you :)

The Gate of the Year
Minnie Louise Haskins, 1908


I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year,
"Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown."

And he replied, "Go into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God.
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way!"

So I went forth and finding the Hand of God
Trod gladly into the night.
He led me towards the hills
And the breaking of day in the lone east.

So heart be still!
What need our human life to know
If God hath comprehension?

In all the dizzy strife of things
Both high and low,
God hideth his intention.