As she sat at her keyboard the overwhelming sadness gripped her like a vise. It gripped her heart so hard she thought it might burst. The realization of being left behind was almost too much to bear. "What changed, what did I do?" she thought over and over again.
She saw the images again in her mind, the happy families and friends laughing and having a great time; knowing full well she didn't fit into this picture any more. But did she ever really fit in? she thought. Why was this happening now, when they all knew her life was going to change radically in a matter of months. Oh, there were smiles and well wishes when she was around, but what about the times when they knew she was home, alone? Or the holidays that were so hard to face alone, yet there she sat, by herself. Seemed to her that she could just drop off the face of the earth and they wouldn't even notice.
The tears came again, hot and overwhelming. All she could do was cry out to the one friend who had never betrayed her; her Beloved. As she wept and asked Him to help her, and why had they all forgotten her; the gentlest of whispers in her heart told her one simple word: resist. The scripture came to her mind like a beacon of bright hope, "....resist the devil and he will depart from you." At once, the words began pouring from her mouth, through the tears and pain, "I am fully loved and accepted by God, I am a chosen vessel, greatly beloved by the Creator of Heaven and Earth, a handmaiden of the Lord, not forgotten, but fully pleasing to her Lord..." As she choked out these words, the heavy weight that was crushing her vanished.
Then again, she heard the gentlest of words again.."now, let's deal with the pain in your broken heart." She saw herself kneeling before her Beloved, laying down the broken pieces of her heart at His feet. She struggled with this, however. A part of her wanted to hold on to that hurt; to justify being angry with these former friends and therefore justifying her poor behavior towards them. She thought of how she would let them all know how much their rejection had wounded her. As she struggled with this, the scripture came to mind, "love covers a multitude of sins." With a sigh of resignation, she laid down the broken pieces of her heart piece by piece. Once she agreed with her Beloved, the healing began. The TRUTH began to cover her like a comforting blanket. She wasn't rejected. Her Beloved was all she needed. Her pursuit was her Beloved, not the approval of a person. She didn't have to fit in with any one person, but she was required to love all.
The realization began to dawn on her that she had been trying to fit into a place where she didn't really belong. She had begun to backtrack to things that she had been drawn out of; compromising really. Was this all a part of her Beloved's great mercy towards her? He hadn't pulled her away from everything that she had known before, and taken everything from her for her to just go back to where she had left. As she pondered this, the hurt melted away, and a new love for those who had hurt her began to grow.
She began to pray, "Beloved, please help me to focus on You, and on pleasing You alone. Help to love those who have wounded me, to treat them as You would. Most of all, help me to be pleasing and obedient to You no matter what You call me to do." That night she slept peacefully, knowing that her Beloved was in control and on the throne in her heart.
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