Where am I?

Today started out fine, met Lea Ann for breakfast. Had a great conversation with her. Had plans to go downtown Tampa for the Gasperella parade, invasion of pirates, and fireworks, but for whatever reason, my breakfast didn't sit well with me....spent most of the day on the couch trying not to throw up.

Washed and ironed my fabric for the new quilt I am starting. It is a full sized quilt this time so it will be quite an undertaking. Pushing fear aside and doing it. It is my "promise quilt". Top secret till I am done.

So it has been a quiet day today. Been thinking as I have been sitting here; where am I? Where am I going? Why is it that I never feel like I fit in? Guess I am not good at just going through the motions. Oh, I try to fit in; I am a pretty social person. Can play a mean game of Cranium. But who here can I really talk to? That will love me even if they don't understand where I am right now? If I shared what was on my heart, I am sure no one here would ever ask me how I am again. Not that anyone really asks me how I am. And is genuinely interested in how I really am. Then again, there is one person how does ask me how I am, and holds me accountable. Maybe I am blessed by having that one person. I know I am; I love her dearly. The one person who actually knows me here. In this place.

I wouldn't call this place my pity party. I understand I am where I am because the Lord put me here. I guess I am a tad bit lonely for genuine fellowship. I think the people I have met here are wonderful. Don't get me wrong. I am thankful for the people I have come in contact with. I guess I just miss that fellowship in the trenches....arm in arm on the battlefield, and in peace time with the loved ones who "get me".

So for now, I will focus on pressing into the One who is always with me. That is more than enough for me. I fit into Him. That is all that matters. Truly.

This New Year.......

Happy New Year!

This morning I have been mulling over New Year's past....and remembered the great excitement that I would feel over the newness of it all. Some experience this at springtime, or at other notable events in their lives.

Most of the New Year's that I remember, I had a great sense of wonderful expectation of all the terrific things that were going to happen. Make me an eternal optimist? I have often had trouble with that label. I have found that when it is spoken, it was intended to somehow demean the generous outlook I had for the future; that I was somehow seen as slightly ignorant of the hard realities going on around me. Being labeled an optimist was like a put-down. I still don't like that word!

This year I have committed to the Lord to write every day. Whether the wonderful fictional story that is swimming around in my thoughts just waiting to come out, or the musings that even I don't understand and post here on my blog; I am committed to getting it out everyday. This being said, if anyone is still reading this, I cannot promise what you will read will be pretty, but it will be honest.

Okay, so back to my thoughts about this new year. This year is different. I don't have the same sense of wonderment about it all. This was on my heart as I prayed this morning. I was led to First Peter, the entire book. I would be lying if I denied that a sense of dread initially took over my heart; but thankfully it didn't stay there. First Peter is all about suffering, and how we as Christians are to respond. In my bible it says:

"Persecution can cause either growth or bitterness in the Christian life. Response determines the result. In writing to Jewish believers, Peter encourages them to conduct themselves courageously for the Person and program of Christ. Both their character and conduct must be above reproach. Having been born again to a living hope, they are to imitate the Holy One who has called them. The fruit of that character will be conduct rooted in submission: citizens to government, servants to masters, wives to husbands, husbands to wives, and Christians to one another. Only after submission is fully understood does Peter deal with the difficult area of suffering. The Christians are not to think it "strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you" (4:12), but are to rejoice as partakers of the suffering of Christ. That response to life is truly the climax of one's submission to the good hand of God."

Funny, this book in the bible is very dog-eared from my reading, and I have almost the entire book underlined with various notes. I often date my notes and it is like a timeline of my walk with the Lord. I have been this way before, and the words have been like a healing balm to my soul. Questions swarm my mind, like, "am I going to suffer this year?" Or, "what about my heart's desire, Lord?" Or even, "Lord, I thought I had this suffering thing down." Truth is, my character still needs refining, and I am thankful that I have the promise in this word that, "But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you."

There is much for me to learn this year, and I praise my Lord that He led me to such a wonderful place in His Word to teach me. So while I may not be giddy with the excitement of this New Year, I am hopeful that His Will is made manifest in my life this year. That my responses to whatever comes my way will glorify Him.

I am His.

The Harlot

I can't get away....no matter where I run; no matter how I try to hide...from Your love...

I am so scared, all these scars cause me to hide from Your gaze...I am a soiled dove, not worthy of the Kings gaze at my nakedness....yet Your name is Jealous, and You want all of me....a harlot....

"I am married to a harlot, but my love will make her pure. I'm married to a harlot, but I will beautify her, I will make her all mine. I will make all things new. Beauty for your ashes, joy for all of your mourning... just return"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1lTJUFHiOE

There are no orphans of God

Who here among us has not been broken
Who here among us is without guilt or pain
So oft’ abandoned by our transgressions
If such a thing as grace exists
Then grace was made for lives like this

There are no strangers
There are no outcasts
There are no orphans of God
So many fallen, but hallelujah
There are no orphans of God

Come ye unwanted and find affection
Come all ye weary, come and lay down your head
Come ye unworthy, you are my brother
If such a thing as grace exists
Then grace was made for lives like this

O blessed Father, look down upon us
We are Your children, we need Your love
We run before Your throne of mercy
And seek Your face to rise above

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BkN-4NYQj0

He understands.......

Last night, the Lord showed me that He understands what I am going through....He knows the desires of my heart, and understands. He understands the struggles that we face and is there to comfort us, to guide us, and to provide a way of escape if necessary....I am overwhelmed today by the grace and love that the Creator of this universe has chosen to lavish on me.

Enjoy this video....it speaks to me today....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCdZwitrNoY

Part One

As she sat at her keyboard the overwhelming sadness gripped her like a vise. It gripped her heart so hard she thought it might burst. The realization of being left behind was almost too much to bear. "What changed, what did I do?" she thought over and over again.

She saw the images again in her mind, the happy families and friends laughing and having a great time; knowing full well she didn't fit into this picture any more. But did she ever really fit in? she thought. Why was this happening now, when they all knew her life was going to change radically in a matter of months. Oh, there were smiles and well wishes when she was around, but what about the times when they knew she was home, alone? Or the holidays that were so hard to face alone, yet there she sat, by herself. Seemed to her that she could just drop off the face of the earth and they wouldn't even notice.

The tears came again, hot and overwhelming. All she could do was cry out to the one friend who had never betrayed her; her Beloved. As she wept and asked Him to help her, and why had they all forgotten her; the gentlest of whispers in her heart told her one simple word: resist. The scripture came to her mind like a beacon of bright hope, "....resist the devil and he will depart from you." At once, the words began pouring from her mouth, through the tears and pain, "I am fully loved and accepted by God, I am a chosen vessel, greatly beloved by the Creator of Heaven and Earth, a handmaiden of the Lord, not forgotten, but fully pleasing to her Lord..." As she choked out these words, the heavy weight that was crushing her vanished.

Then again, she heard the gentlest of words again.."now, let's deal with the pain in your broken heart." She saw herself kneeling before her Beloved, laying down the broken pieces of her heart at His feet. She struggled with this, however. A part of her wanted to hold on to that hurt; to justify being angry with these former friends and therefore justifying her poor behavior towards them. She thought of how she would let them all know how much their rejection had wounded her. As she struggled with this, the scripture came to mind, "love covers a multitude of sins." With a sigh of resignation, she laid down the broken pieces of her heart piece by piece. Once she agreed with her Beloved, the healing began. The TRUTH began to cover her like a comforting blanket. She wasn't rejected. Her Beloved was all she needed. Her pursuit was her Beloved, not the approval of a person. She didn't have to fit in with any one person, but she was required to love all.

The realization began to dawn on her that she had been trying to fit into a place where she didn't really belong. She had begun to backtrack to things that she had been drawn out of; compromising really. Was this all a part of her Beloved's great mercy towards her? He hadn't pulled her away from everything that she had known before, and taken everything from her for her to just go back to where she had left. As she pondered this, the hurt melted away, and a new love for those who had hurt her began to grow.

She began to pray, "Beloved, please help me to focus on You, and on pleasing You alone. Help to love those who have wounded me, to treat them as You would. Most of all, help me to be pleasing and obedient to You no matter what You call me to do." That night she slept peacefully, knowing that her Beloved was in control and on the throne in her heart.

My prayer today.....

From the time time began
You always chose a man
To lead the people safely by Your Way
To be a voice and echo what You Say
Like David or Abraham
Your Word is full of such men
And if the Bible had no closing page
And still was being written to this day

I want to be a man that you would write about
Oh a thousand years from now, that they could read about
Your servant of choice in whom You found favor
A man who heard Your voice

Generations away it is my prayer
That they will look back and say
Oh to have that kind of faith and love
What a solid man of God he was.
4Him